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February 6th, 2005
02:50 pm - but the words wont come
since you are probably the only person that is reading this, its for you. i think i am getting over it. still trying anyways. i hope you are okay. wish i could be with you to nurture you and make sure you get what you deserve. my hope is that i wont become completely obsessed with you if i ever see you again. happy super bowl. i guess. i dont even know who is playing. but i am drunk already with my parents and it is only 2:30. i have been so drunk lately. and i usually sleep with a deifferent person. with no sex, though. i have had a few offers, but i am still holding out. i wonder if you will be offended when that happens? i guess you dont really have the right.
death to the population
bye bye. los manos ay yi yi.
parrot bay
99 bananas
jim beam
makes for a weird night. te extrano. oh and your prediction about who i would sleep with hasnt happened yet. you should give me a dollar for keeping my word.
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September 17th, 2004
09:08 pm - happiness is a warm gun
happiness is a warm gun
when i hold you in my arms
and i feel my finger on your trigger
i know nobody can do me no harm
because happiness is a warm gun
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03:26 pm - "mean what you say, say what you mean"
you learn something new everyday. it only took me this long to find the answer. people say i am throwing my life away, but if one year of spontaneity earns me the holy om, then it was a year well spent. i dont have to search anymore. every time i see you i find my personal salvation over again.
Enlightenment in one glance. your mouth half open with a smile to the side, i can make out the shadowed tip of your tongue. one eyebrow raised with a look of a surprised acceptance. your first layer curtains one third of your face. and even though this expression fades into another after a single second, it is indefinitely imprinted into my mind. because i am what you are looking at when this shows, i know you have found a piece of your nirvana in me. i dont think anything else could inspire a feeling like this in me. i see my future in your face and my past in my reflection.
there is a natural cycle in my head that you stopped. i accredit my sobriety to you. i dont need anything when i am with you. and even when i say "lets get plastered tonight, love" i realize directly after it comes out that i dont need even that.
her eyelashes
the way she shares the sheets
her lower lip in my mouth
her strength
her music taste
her ability to excel at everything
her hippie factor
her voice over the phone
waking up to her and watching her get ready for school
what i am presupposing is that maybe you taught me how to really love
Current Mood:  content
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August 24th, 2004
03:36 am - too much strich nine in my spine
I am done. All the money is gone. It was dirty anyways. Now my hands and my conscience are clean. I handed out all the shrooms, and im sure they all felt loved.
So i came to my mom's house for a couple days. I admitted all of it. The coke, the acid, the shrooms, the peyote, and the weed. She didnt seem to care much. and i know i am shocked. I swear she doesnt give a fuck as long as i am not drinking. Maybe that has something to do with her dad. I never got to meet that drunk fuck.
I am trying to start fresh, or something like that. It is easy to not use drugs since i rarely smoke or drink and the other things are out of my price range. I will miss having a stack of cash in my pocket from slangin and being able to feed my friends. I think i realized i need to stop when i realized i have someone that cares about me. i know i was on coke when i told you this, but i meant it. "I will have you out of there by Christmas. Mark my word." I wonder if you even remember that.? Well, i will take care of you. You deserve it. Anything i have to give. You have treated me better than anyone. You didnt give me that "i lost my friend to drugs" bullshit. So, for you it will happen. I know you arent sure whether to believe it yet, but i will make it happen. I am looking at the house today with kenny. It is kind of weird... Me and Kenny and Jake... haha. and you know malichi and ryan and sid and joe and jesse and nick will always be over. But i will make sure there is always a place for you in my room if you choose to visit or stay. I am also enrolling. yay!
I am sorry i didnt tell my mom about you. It is just that she is a wee bit homophobic. I am gonna take you to the tunnels, where i used to sleep. We always go to romantic places like the traintracks and dark alleys and such. It only seems like the natural and logical next step. Such ghetto love. hah, i still dont understand what you see in me.
my 86 list:
1)matrix fucker
2)communist jordan
3)owen
4)star wars dave
5)mike the liar
6)any friends of matrix fucker
7)kat
8)rose
9)chance
10)creepy jason
11)aurelia
12)any ex salpointe chums of mine (unless i authorize them)
13)creepy steve
14)blake
15)that weird samuel kid who you saw when we were tripping
16)terry bradshaw
17)any one looking for coke (refer to number 16, 3, and 9)
18)french people
19)creepy old woman woman
20)big forehead man
21)felicia's uncle
22)the japanese lady from upstairs that scares me
23)esther (this one just around me)
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: the pixies
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August 23rd, 2004
04:49 pm - biblical babble
"it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission"
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01:32 pm - what a nice thing to say
im making shapes in the grain, waiting for inspiration to strike.
January. 4:00 am. clamber to the roof with a case. coated with the frost from the shingles. we have at least another hour and a half before the moon dies. huddle for warmth, let the drained bottles slide off. you trusted me. i always trusted you. running through my streets wearing inappropriate clothing, laughing at those antidrug campaigns. the man in the circle k is suspicious, but he minds his own business as we bicker over flavors and prices in our drunken confusion. --When no one is looking do you cry?-- so we never made it. i bled you, consensually. so many nights. most i cant even remember with clarity. the stars were always there when we were together. you were hurt, always. i tried to heal your wounds, but ended up making it all worse. i apologize for poisoning you. changing you for the worse. is there any part of you that is still alive? even though you died months ago i still feel you here. i still wonder if you are actually there or not. flashes of flying glass and headlights. flashes of you over me in a zanibar dream world. our fluffy caps, roller coasters, pretending to be asleep on that long drive. maybe i died too that night. maybe you are more alive than i am. are you really gone? forever? i cried. i was weak. im still weak, and i think you are the only person who realized i am really on my last leg. they all talk about me like im not really here. it confuses me. it hurts. im always on drugs. im always having sex. im always blurring it away. dimming. fading. i heard our song earlier. just a ghost to the world. thats exactly what i need. come back. come back. im still here. ME. not what you want to believe.
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